Monday, November 29, 2010

More old photos

This picture is circa 1982.. If you click on he pic and make it larger, you will see my Dad driving; and the Marlboro Man Mustache i was talking about earlier. You will aso see my brother in the back wearing a diving mask and snorkle!! What the frick?!
In the back on the right is my cousin Chris who sent me al these awesome photos.
and in the front on the right is my cousin Lisa. and Me.. wearing weird white lipstick and some sort of headband.. Wow.

Old photos

One of my cousins unearthed these pictures and sent them to me tonight.
I have never seen any of them. Above is me and my mom somewheres around 1972 when I was about 2 years old. Like my bangs?

This one is my Mom and Dad - My cousins all call my Dad uncle Bobo. This picture (above) was captioned simply "Sweet Pants Bobo" when it was sent to me...ha ha ha!!
Below is my Dad. I barely remember him without a mustache. He always had a Marlboro Man mustache when i was a kd.

Mom and Dad (below)
Looking smooth and 70's !!
Ohhh these pictures are awesome.

Below is another one of my Mom and I.
My cousin said he thought it was Me with Cameron (my oldest)
until he saw the date on the picture. 1972


Caught with my spiritual pants down

Every Christmas season, I am reminded of one particularly bad year,when i was raising the boys on my own and it was really lean pickens. I made about 10,000$ a year, got no child support, and could not bring myself to use foodstamps even though i more than qualified. It pissed me off to get dirty looks from people, when I KNEW i worked Full time, and supported my own. This one year, the way the paydays fell, I was not going to have any money for Christmas, I laid awake at night for weeks, thinking about it, worrying, wondering, worrying some more, I couldn't fathom telling my kids theyre werent getting anyTHING. one day, 4 days before Christmas, a check for 200$ came in the mail for me. It was anonymous cashiers check, and I hadnt told anyone what dire straights i was in. I couldnt believe it. It totally saved my a55 that year, and the kids Christmas. I will never forget it as long as i live.

Anyways, I was thinking the other night. I wish i knew of someone who truly needed help, and wouldnt dare ask for it.. that i could help in a similar way. i would really like to repay the favor, so I asked for someone to be shown to me.. that needed help. i imagined it might be asingle mom, who despite all efforts, just wasnt making ends meet.. and i could secretly save her Christmas.. like someone did for me.

Im in the busy parking lot on South Hill, hustle and bustle doesnt even cover the parking lot mayhem. I had just run out of the store picking up some laundry soap, Chris and the Baby were in the car. As I put my stuff in the backseat with the baby.. i was startled when I stood up, and a scruffy, gaunt looking man was standing closer than comfortable to me. I instinctively stood between him and the open door w the baby in it..and he mumbled something to me.. i couldnt hear him.. what!? i said, alarmed and a little annoyed, figuring he'd have some story about how he ran out of gas, and did i have any change.
the second time he said it, i heard him loud and clear. "I'M .... HUNGRY!!!" he said to me.
you could have pushed me over with a feather.
i reached in my pocket and handed him some money. eager for him to go away.
and as soon as i got in the car i felt deeply ashamed of myself.
the world fell away,

I realized i had just responded to some one tell me he was HUNGRY, by stuffing some cash in his hand and running away.. essentially.

WTF is wrong with me!?

I asked for someone to be shown to me, who needed something I could give.. and when they were presented to me..

THAT is how I respond?
Like some stuck up, self important, easy street b!tch who doesnt have the time?

apparently i want to help as long as you are

1. a woman and fit my idea of what "helping" looks like

2. its anonymous


3. its on MY terms...
(when did i turn into such an a55hole?)

i was haunted all last night by this man saying Im hungry, and my response.
i OBVIOUSLY still cant get it quite out of my mind.

How did i get this caught up in the WORLD - that i missed the opportunity
I guess i always assumed better of myself, that i would handle such a situation more graciously, with kindness and respect .. as many of us are only a few unplanned events from being hungry ourselves.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Thanks for snow

I love snow
I am thankful for snow
i like the way the air smells
the way it crunches
makes my eyes squinch up
and my nose cold
snow is good
thanks for snow

I am thankful for Chris

I never would have dreamed
he even existed
if you had asked me 5, 6 years ago.
if you had told me about him, i would have called you a liar, or an extreme exagerrator.
but he does exhist
and he lives at my house
and he is father to kids that aren't biologically his
and to one that is
and wonderfully so to all three
he is always there, hand outstretched to help
he is a hero a hundred times over to us
he is humble, loving, and hilarious
he is CAN DO guy,
there should be cape that says that
he is the crazy tamer (i'm the crazy - 'er at least a little weird)
deal finder
mad scientist junk(treasure) collector
who really CAN make a silk purse out of a sow's ear!!
i am grateful he found me
and i him

i am thankful for kids

Below is a diatribe about kids and what im thankful for..
I am always in awe, of what shows up in them.. things i did not teach them, or try to ingrain, but have always just been "the way they are.." and over time has taught me lessons i needed to learn.

what i have learned from raising children is this..they are not "MINE" and they are not mini-ME's
They have always been - since the very first day, utterly, fabulously, brilliantly THEMSELVES
I really believe I have learned more from them, and it has been an honor to be their mama at some point in time.

for this i am grateful

i am thankful for the wee little guy


This little fella has taught me joy
He is a happy happy soul. Even his hair is happy. His walk is happy, his sleep is happy and even when he is sad, or mad, you can tell, he'd rather be happy. This is a total wonder to me, considering that I have always been more of a downer.. or at the very least, borderline pessimist.

I remember when he was still in my belly, and Chris and I would daydream about what he would look like, be like, act like etc.. longing to meet him soon. We had no idea how amazing he would be! and now STILL I catch myself trying to tell the future, extrapolating from his current behavior/personality.. what sort of adventure he will lead us, his ma n pa on.. but i cant say. This is only the sort of thing that becomes clear in hindsight. my guess is for now, that it will be happy.

He is very bright, you can almost see the wheels turning in there, when he is observing you do something, and plotting to do it himself. He is a first time learner.. you only have to let him see you do it ONCE.. and he can do it.

He is the primary source of loud noises in our house.

He is beautiful - i took him to work with me last week, and they said to me.. "How did YOU get a blond haired blue eyed baby!!!??" I said I didnt know.. if I hadnt given birth to him myself, i would think Chris cheated on me!

Just yesterday, i heard a crash, and looked up from my mopping to say, "ohhh you're okay".. to discover him standing OUTSIDE his playpen
'greaaat .. ANOTHER escape artist'
i think silently to myself. the funy part was, I think HE was as surprised as I was..ha ha ha

This little boy seems like he has been with us always. he has changed all of our hearts to just a little softer, a little brighter, and MUCH MUCH bigger.

Thank You for my son Roman

I was recalling a time when Roman was small, and back then when things were very quiet in the house, it was very bad. The quieter it went, the worse the deed. This has remained true throughout his life. In dealing w Roman, quiet is bad.

Roman has been the hellraiser. He's kept me up nights, and made me pull out my hair, and cry myself to sleep. Hes pulled so many STuNTS i can't recall most of the lesser events. WHile I do not want to focus on the negative, I think I may have enough (now) hilarious stories to write a book call 'Adventures in Raising Roman.'

Roman has a natural, easy way about him that seems to make people like him. I would have killed for this trait growing up! people instantly seem to adore him for the most part. He is a natural leader.

He is a kinesthetic learner. This means he stood up and counted pennies to learn math, ran laps to remember bible verses for cubbies when he was small'. (cubbies is like christian cub scouts) Kinsthetic means you have to have an action associated with a lesson to learn it. otherwise.. a mover and a shaker. This also equals trips to the emergency room..

Roman has always been fearless, unafraid, and daring, even now with many life lessons behind him, i get the sense that he holds back only because he is supposed to, not because he's afraid.
He used to leap into air from the back of the couch as soon as he could walk.. trusting that someone would catch him.

This young man is a most generous soul. Anything he has, if you need it, you can have it, no strings attached. He trusts implicitly in the good intentions of others. One time he gave away a brand new nintendo i saved for month for, to a neighbor kid, the same day he got it! He has taught me to be more gracious in this way.

He is a natural artist. Witout any effort, He can draw up anything you can imagine with sparkling clarity. With very little practise, he has always been an amazing artist.

#1 story for my book..

the time roman took a sweatsock filled halfway full with baby powder, and swung it over his head like 'Conan the Barbarian', in the spot where the two hallways crossed,
and as the sock hit each of the four corners, it would send out a giant poof cloud of baby power.. flinging into that room..
in one move he destroyed four rooms, the hallway, the coat closet and bathroom. it was MONTHS before i got the cornstarch out of the house. (did I tell this story before? oh well, im getting old, thats my excuse)

Thank You for my Oldest Son

Last night I found a rabbit his grandma made him when he was small. This thing, that used to be a common object, im sure i have picked it up off the floor a hundred times when he was 2 and 3, is NOW like a precious relic to me. I held my breath when I saw it.. I havent seen it in at least 15 years. and my son, whom it belonged to, has moved out; and this is the first thanksgiving he was away from home for real.

some things that are just Cameron, which i cannot take credit for..

Cameron has loyalty burned into him like a brand; he may almost never answer the phone when I call, but he NEVER forgets my birthday, or mothers day. He never turns his back on a friend. He has always been this way. He is loyal to fault, but he doesn't care, or let others lack of it, change him.

Cameron is a self made guy - he has always danced to his own drum. I remember when he was in elementary school his teachers would always comment on how he was very "unmoved by his peers." Peer pressure meant nothing to him, only his own regard for himself. hes never tried to be "on trend" or cool, has always marched to his own song. I remember asking him what he wanted to be when he grew up, and he said a HOBO..( you can imagine my alarm) I said ohhh thats nice.. what about a fireman, or a policeman? or a lawyer? Nope he would say, i want to be a HOBO and "RIDE THE RAILS".

Cameron is the only person Ive ever met in real life who reminds me of Howard Rourke in the The Fountainhead

Cameron fully understands that ENTHUSIASM far exceeds facts, or storyline when it comes to telling an entertaining story. He reminds me a bit of my brother when he is telling a story. .. but with his own STYLE, and 3D sounds and visual demos on what happened. Re-enactments even!!

Cameron is taller than both his biological father, and I. and he is in perfect shape, has always worked out, has never struggled with over weight or under.. he is naturally imposing which means he gets left alone at the bars, games, etc.. for the most part he is a peace loving soul; and is allowed to stay that way because of his stature.

Thanksgiving morn, he was regaling me with a story of how he stuffed his car in a ditch while offroading in 2ft+ of snow. .. and i was reminded of the quote.. "Parenthood is agreeing to let a piece of your heart - wander loose outisde of your body, for the rest of your days."

I never hear of these adventures until a couple weeks have passed. and I do not think of them when he is not returning my calls.

Carpe Diem

Imagine if you were THIS psyCHED to wake up every day!!

Odin lives the term
Carpe DIem
Sieze the day

He wakes up burning brightly every morning
thrilled to get going
everything is wonderful
Everything makes him smile or laugh or squeal with joy
he starts his day by bouncing on our bed while we grudgingly drag ourselves from sleep
holding onto the back of his pajamas to keep him from flying off the bed
he is jumping jumping jumping,
waiting to take off
with baited breath
with open arms
eyes wide open
and full attention on EVRY LITTLE DETAIL
his hair sticks straight off the back of his head every morning, like a spoiler on a car
or a fast moving anime character
"how appropriate" we think
the other morning i said, outloud, to my (also) struggling-to-wake husband
"God, i wish i was THAT excited to wake up"
right before the little guy, mid-bounce, stumbles, and lands butt-first on my head

shot me off into a weedpath of thought
childhood versus NOW hood (somewheres around middle-aged assuming I live to be eighty.)

I wondered why dont i enjoy stuff that much anymore?
I mean I remember being SO freaking excited about Saturday Morning with no special events, i could barely stand it!

now i am wondering
do our emotions get dull with age
like our sight or our hearing?

even tastes
stuff doesnt taste as good as it used to

why is this?

or is it just me?

I remember the way i felt when I got a new pair of shoes
the sheer joy, the pride of ownership,
I could even RUN FASTER!
shoes just dont do it for me like that anymore..

and Christmas
christmas used to be my favorite day of the year,
better than my birthday even
it was like eveyone had their birthday at once!

now i dread christmas

i feel guilty about new shoes

and i am NOT excited to wake up

this weedpath drove me to lookup "carpe diem" on google

i found some quotes

Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think. ~Chinese Proverb

Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways. ~Stephen Vincent Benét

Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead. ~Scottish Proverb

You will never find time for anything. If you want time you must make it. ~Charles Buxton

Death twitches my ear. "Live," he says, "I am coming." ~Virgil (Publius Vergilius Maro), Minor Poems, Copa
He has spent all his life in letting down empty buckets into empty wells; and he is frittering away his age in trying to draw them up again. ~Sydney Smith



Monday, November 1, 2010