Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Anyways, I was thinking the other night. I wish i knew of someone who truly needed help, and wouldnt dare ask for it.. that i could help in a similar way. i would really like to repay the favor, so I asked for someone to be shown to me.. that needed help. i imagined it might be asingle mom, who despite all efforts, just wasnt making ends meet.. and i could secretly save her Christmas.. like someone did for me.
Im in the busy parking lot on South Hill, hustle and bustle doesnt even cover the parking lot mayhem. I had just run out of the store picking up some laundry soap, Chris and the Baby were in the car. As I put my stuff in the backseat with the baby.. i was startled when I stood up, and a scruffy, gaunt looking man was standing closer than comfortable to me. I instinctively stood between him and the open door w the baby in it..and he mumbled something to me.. i couldnt hear him.. what!? i said, alarmed and a little annoyed, figuring he'd have some story about how he ran out of gas, and did i have any change.
the second time he said it, i heard him loud and clear. "I'M .... HUNGRY!!!" he said to me.
you could have pushed me over with a feather.
i reached in my pocket and handed him some money. eager for him to go away.
and as soon as i got in the car i felt deeply ashamed of myself.
the world fell away,
I realized i had just responded to some one tell me he was HUNGRY, by stuffing some cash in his hand and running away.. essentially.
WTF is wrong with me!?
I asked for someone to be shown to me, who needed something I could give.. and when they were presented to me..
THAT is how I respond?
Like some stuck up, self important, easy street b!tch who doesnt have the time?
apparently i want to help as long as you are
1. a woman and fit my idea of what "helping" looks like
2. its anonymous
3. its on MY terms...
(when did i turn into such an a55hole?)
i was haunted all last night by this man saying Im hungry, and my response.
i OBVIOUSLY still cant get it quite out of my mind.
How did i get this caught up in the WORLD - that i missed the opportunity
I guess i always assumed better of myself, that i would handle such a situation more graciously, with kindness and respect .. as many of us are only a few unplanned events from being hungry ourselves.
Friday, November 26, 2010
he even existed
if you had asked me 5, 6 years ago.
if you had told me about him, i would have called you a liar, or an extreme exagerrator.
but he does exhist
and he lives at my house
and he is father to kids that aren't biologically his
and to one that is
and wonderfully so to all three
he is always there, hand outstretched to help
he is a hero a hundred times over to us
he is humble, loving, and hilarious
he is CAN DO guy,
there should be cape that says that
he is the crazy tamer (i'm the crazy - 'er at least a little weird)
mad scientist junk(treasure) collector
who really CAN make a silk purse out of a sow's ear!!
i am grateful he found me
and i him
I am always in awe, of what shows up in them.. things i did not teach them, or try to ingrain, but have always just been "the way they are.." and over time has taught me lessons i needed to learn.
what i have learned from raising children is this..they are not "MINE" and they are not mini-ME's
They have always been - since the very first day, utterly, fabulously, brilliantly THEMSELVES
I really believe I have learned more from them, and it has been an honor to be their mama at some point in time.
for this i am grateful
This little fella has taught me joy
He is a happy happy soul. Even his hair is happy. His walk is happy, his sleep is happy and even when he is sad, or mad, you can tell, he'd rather be happy. This is a total wonder to me, considering that I have always been more of a downer.. or at the very least, borderline pessimist.
I remember when he was still in my belly, and Chris and I would daydream about what he would look like, be like, act like etc.. longing to meet him soon. We had no idea how amazing he would be! and now STILL I catch myself trying to tell the future, extrapolating from his current behavior/personality.. what sort of adventure he will lead us, his ma n pa on.. but i cant say. This is only the sort of thing that becomes clear in hindsight. my guess is for now, that it will be happy.
He is very bright, you can almost see the wheels turning in there, when he is observing you do something, and plotting to do it himself. He is a first time learner.. you only have to let him see you do it ONCE.. and he can do it.
He is the primary source of loud noises in our house.
He is beautiful - i took him to work with me last week, and they said to me.. "How did YOU get a blond haired blue eyed baby!!!??" I said I didnt know.. if I hadnt given birth to him myself, i would think Chris cheated on me!
Just yesterday, i heard a crash, and looked up from my mopping to say, "ohhh you're okay".. to discover him standing OUTSIDE his playpen
'greaaat .. ANOTHER escape artist'
i think silently to myself. the funy part was, I think HE was as surprised as I was..ha ha ha
This little boy seems like he has been with us always. he has changed all of our hearts to just a little softer, a little brighter, and MUCH MUCH bigger.
Roman has been the hellraiser. He's kept me up nights, and made me pull out my hair, and cry myself to sleep. Hes pulled so many STuNTS i can't recall most of the lesser events. WHile I do not want to focus on the negative, I think I may have enough (now) hilarious stories to write a book call 'Adventures in Raising Roman.'
Roman has a natural, easy way about him that seems to make people like him. I would have killed for this trait growing up! people instantly seem to adore him for the most part. He is a natural leader.
He is a kinesthetic learner. This means he stood up and counted pennies to learn math, ran laps to remember bible verses for cubbies when he was small'. (cubbies is like christian cub scouts) Kinsthetic means you have to have an action associated with a lesson to learn it. otherwise.. a mover and a shaker. This also equals trips to the emergency room..
Roman has always been fearless, unafraid, and daring, even now with many life lessons behind him, i get the sense that he holds back only because he is supposed to, not because he's afraid.
He used to leap into air from the back of the couch as soon as he could walk.. trusting that someone would catch him.
This young man is a most generous soul. Anything he has, if you need it, you can have it, no strings attached. He trusts implicitly in the good intentions of others. One time he gave away a brand new nintendo i saved for month for, to a neighbor kid, the same day he got it! He has taught me to be more gracious in this way.
He is a natural artist. Witout any effort, He can draw up anything you can imagine with sparkling clarity. With very little practise, he has always been an amazing artist.
#1 story for my book..
the time roman took a sweatsock filled halfway full with baby powder, and swung it over his head like 'Conan the Barbarian', in the spot where the two hallways crossed,
and as the sock hit each of the four corners, it would send out a giant poof cloud of baby power.. flinging into that room..
in one move he destroyed four rooms, the hallway, the coat closet and bathroom. it was MONTHS before i got the cornstarch out of the house. (did I tell this story before? oh well, im getting old, thats my excuse)
some things that are just Cameron, which i cannot take credit for..
Cameron has loyalty burned into him like a brand; he may almost never answer the phone when I call, but he NEVER forgets my birthday, or mothers day. He never turns his back on a friend. He has always been this way. He is loyal to fault, but he doesn't care, or let others lack of it, change him.
Cameron is a self made guy - he has always danced to his own drum. I remember when he was in elementary school his teachers would always comment on how he was very "unmoved by his peers." Peer pressure meant nothing to him, only his own regard for himself. hes never tried to be "on trend" or cool, has always marched to his own song. I remember asking him what he wanted to be when he grew up, and he said a HOBO..( you can imagine my alarm) I said ohhh thats nice.. what about a fireman, or a policeman? or a lawyer? Nope he would say, i want to be a HOBO and "RIDE THE RAILS".
Cameron is the only person Ive ever met in real life who reminds me of Howard Rourke in the The Fountainhead
Cameron fully understands that ENTHUSIASM far exceeds facts, or storyline when it comes to telling an entertaining story. He reminds me a bit of my brother when he is telling a story. .. but with his own STYLE, and 3D sounds and visual demos on what happened. Re-enactments even!!
Cameron is taller than both his biological father, and I. and he is in perfect shape, has always worked out, has never struggled with over weight or under.. he is naturally imposing which means he gets left alone at the bars, games, etc.. for the most part he is a peace loving soul; and is allowed to stay that way because of his stature.
Thanksgiving morn, he was regaling me with a story of how he stuffed his car in a ditch while offroading in 2ft+ of snow. .. and i was reminded of the quote.. "Parenthood is agreeing to let a piece of your heart - wander loose outisde of your body, for the rest of your days."
I never hear of these adventures until a couple weeks have passed. and I do not think of them when he is not returning my calls.
Imagine if you were THIS psyCHED to wake up every day!!
Odin lives the term
Sieze the day
He wakes up burning brightly every morning
thrilled to get going
everything is wonderful
Everything makes him smile or laugh or squeal with joy
he starts his day by bouncing on our bed while we grudgingly drag ourselves from sleep
holding onto the back of his pajamas to keep him from flying off the bed
he is jumping jumping jumping,
waiting to take off
with baited breath
with open arms
eyes wide open
and full attention on EVRY LITTLE DETAIL
his hair sticks straight off the back of his head every morning, like a spoiler on a car
or a fast moving anime character
"how appropriate" we think
the other morning i said, outloud, to my (also) struggling-to-wake husband
"God, i wish i was THAT excited to wake up"
right before the little guy, mid-bounce, stumbles, and lands butt-first on my head
shot me off into a weedpath of thought
childhood versus NOW hood (somewheres around middle-aged assuming I live to be eighty.)
I wondered why dont i enjoy stuff that much anymore?
I mean I remember being SO freaking excited about Saturday Morning with no special events, i could barely stand it!
now i am wondering
do our emotions get dull with age
like our sight or our hearing?
stuff doesnt taste as good as it used to
why is this?
or is it just me?
I remember the way i felt when I got a new pair of shoes
the sheer joy, the pride of ownership,
I could even RUN FASTER!
shoes just dont do it for me like that anymore..
christmas used to be my favorite day of the year,
better than my birthday even
it was like eveyone had their birthday at once!
now i dread christmas
i feel guilty about new shoes
and i am NOT excited to wake up
this weedpath drove me to lookup "carpe diem" on google
i found some quotes
Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think. ~Chinese Proverb
Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways. ~Stephen Vincent Benét
Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead. ~Scottish Proverb
You will never find time for anything. If you want time you must make it. ~Charles Buxton
Death twitches my ear. "Live," he says, "I am coming." ~Virgil (Publius Vergilius Maro), Minor Poems, Copa
Monday, November 1, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
all the cells in the spreadsheets blur together
my fingers are sore.. i think i might have carpal tunnel ?? or carpe diem or whatever you call it where your hands cramp into little balls from typing all dang day
my eyeballs have suntans from staring at the screen so long and feel 'bugged out' .
all the charts look stupid,
or boringly same
my brain is making a soft hissing sound like its got a slow leak
and i just dont care about the trends anymore, whether they're up or down, sideways or inverted or better than last year, month week.. who CAREs!
IS it really going to matter in 100 years when were all driving flying saucers, and can communicate by telepathy????!!!!
I mean really people.
The building is eerily empty for only 4pm, as is the parking garage
"Helloo? hello hello hello hello" - my impression of an echo
Results of the 330pm Friday Mass Exodus common to (some) salaried people
The red icon for MS powerpoint makes me throw up in my mouth just a little bit.
i have no thoughts left except these rantings
you know that giant screeching sound a train makes with the loud crash, and puff of steam when they stop???
thats what my train of thought just did
have a good weekend
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I got my new tires on my car a couple days back.. thank God.. just in time for non hydroplaning action
I made the drive home from work last night, got home around 715.. fantasizing about all the stuff i was going to 'get done'..Im going to get home, change out of my work clothes, play with Ode and read him a book, and put him to sleep..then Im going to tackle the craft room and REALLY make a dent in it this time.
i got home, ate some spaghetti, put ode to bed early with no book because he was falling asleep on the way down the hall, sat down on the couch w a cup of coffee Chris made me..
and promptly fell asleep.
I woke up at 1144
drank my cold coffee w chris on the deck, went to bed
got up and out the door by 730 this morning..
maybe tonight ill get lucky! and stay awake!
never give up hope
Dad sent me this pic at work.
Odes not feeling 100% the last day or so, sniffling, a little warm...I think he may be fighting the 'crud' thats been making its way through the family. He slept a lot last night..hopefully it allowed his body to gain some ground on whatever he's fighting off.
Monday, October 25, 2010
so I made him and Owl pillow so he'd stop stealing the couch throw pillows to sleep with when he visits!
anyway it turned out cute for a quickie project.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Chris got him out of bed, and put him in our bed for the last wee hours of the morn. Ode woke up for the second time around 7am.
Stands up in bed, and is doing his usual, bouncing mom and dad awake routine..
then he stops bouncing.. puckers his lips and starts sucking in air.. he's been doing this weird little stunt for a couple days and we cant figure out what hes going for
after about 10 minutes of sucking wind, and making mom laugh with his VERY SERIOUS pucker
a soft whistling sound comes out
He pops his eyebrows and does it again
inhale really hard,
OH BOY.. he is excited..
whistle whistle whistle
(so THIS is what hes been trying to do for days)
he jumps up and down
freezes and whistles again
OH BOY you never saw anybody so proud of themselves
i am laughing so hard
this kid is hilarious
what better way to wake up every day?
who cares if he's whistling in reverse?
I dont crochet by the rules
why should he whistle by the rules?
Ode.. the backwards Dixie Whistler
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I cant imagine being trapped for over two months underground.
I cant believe they are still alive.
Dark as a Dungeon - Willie Nelson
Oh come all you young fellers so young and so fine
Seek not your fortune in a dark dreary mine
It'll form as a habit and seep in your soul
Till the stream of your blood runs as black as the coal
Where it's dark as a dungeon and damp as the dew
Where the danger is double and pleasures are few
Where the rain never falls the sun never shines
It's a dark as a dungeon way down in the mine
Well it's many a man that I've seen in my day
Who lived just to labor his whole life away
Like a fiend with his dope and a drunkard his wine
A man will have lust for the lure of the mine
Where it's dark as a dungeon ....
And pray when I'm dead and my ages shall roll
That my body would blacken and turn into coal
Then I'll look from the door of my heavenly home
and pity the miner digging my bones
Where it's dark as a dungeon...
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I didnt go to the doctor for it. Towards the end of it, I called in sick to work because i was "tired".
This isnt regular tired, but the tired where you feel like breathing takes up too much energy.. and I just couldnt make myself go anymore.
I dont have any reason to be depressed, really, i mean life is hard for everybody.
and the only things I can say about it are.. its not sad.. its just NOTHING
and i dont usually notice it until it lifts, and look back and say whoa.. i was in a SUPER FUNK for the last few months.
I dont have a big epiphany that pulls me out and I say "LAAAAaa! I am better because of the love of trees or because I visualized it!! (harps play in the background)
i just gradually pull out of the funk. i think this one was one of the worst ive had. I think im having a midlife crisis at the same time
ive had thoughts like..
- why dont i ever get THAT excited anymore?
- my life amounts to a hill of beans if you look at what i have/own
- i dont know if i was a good enough mother to the boys
- what am i doing with my days? sitting in front of a screen..
- i have this awkward sense that i am sitting on top of a pile of sand..that are my days on the planet. and if you zoom out, and look at the big picture, i am sitting on top of the pile of sand in the top of the hourglass.. my days slipping silently away beneath me..I feel panic when i think of this. I feel lack.
- Oh my God! I better do some real living! quick! (secondary thought (what does that mean?) I guess this is what they call coming to terms with your mortality.
This time, it took some events, to help pull me out, I did some nice things for other people in (i think subconscious) hopes of saving myself..usually i avoid other people as much as possible, but i stepped out of my comfort zone and did something nice for somebody.. sometimes totally randomly. This seemed to have the effect of when they put the paddles on you, and jumstart you. The discomfort and outof the box-ness of helping a stranger, sort of shocks me back into living/feeling something. and then I warm up.
Combined with forcing 'doing' something like cooking or crafting.. or taking pictures when i could just as easily sit in a chair and drool on myself..
and counting my blessings deliberately and repeatedly, even when i felt nothing..i finally rose to the surface again. PHEW . such dark days are a bad way to spend your life/sand.
I was really disappointed in Summers performance this past few months, she let me down BIG
and with every green tomato i rescue from the garden, my fury grows..I mutter at Summer beneath my breath..
anyways enough about summer
Winters on its way, and according to the national weather service Its pulling out ALL THE STOPS this year.. its supposed to go Gangbusters on the NW
the sweet little phrase that catches my eye, and sets my heart to fluttering?
Those two words
are like Manna in the desert to me
In seconds I revert to 1978, i am restored to 8 year old Me
I feel complete GLEE (not the show, the emotion.. the one where you smile so hard your cheeks hurt, you feel like you will jump out of your skin, and catch yourself bouncing up and down without meaning to.)
this is exciting
this will be such an AdventURE!
snow snow snow snow snow
Me + Snow = Happy
How else do you know if you like a scent?
my favorites right now are :molecule 2; and Le 'something' de guerrier.. translation: Warrior Water (EEee! I love THAT!)
Anyways the 'du Guerriere' is a very weird smell, when it first hits your nose it has one loud note that says Comet..(yes the cleaning powder) somehow i find the smell of comet very calming and reminds me of being a child
then behind it a phantom note that is about five different subtle things.. Its awesome.. and when i put it on I feel like its magical warrior water to protect me from all the Psychos on the freeway!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
bottom seaweed, rice, then surimi mixture (crab with a K , w crushed ginger,celery,and anaheim peppers, a little mayo, rice vinegar and gluten free soy sauce) topped w quickpickled cuke and fresh green onions.
surimi mixture..looks like cat food, tastes like heaven (i SWEAR)
Monday, October 4, 2010